*Late Posting*
So today is May 18th, 2023. And I feel like there's an urge to write today because I don't talk about why today is important or why it was important. And those who know me may not remember or know why May 18th is important.
So, here it goes! Today, 21 years ago, May 18th, 2002, was the day I got married. Today would have been my 21st wedding anniversary. My husband passed away in 2013. But that's not why I don't talk about this day. So here is my "Why I Life Coach" series and why I am a certified life coach for premarital and married couples.
First thing first, I use a lot of what I went through, a lot of what I did not understand, and a lot of what I did understand to guide, support, advise, and advocate my current and future spouses as they identify what may be causing hiccups in their marriage or helping them prevent as much as possible as they decide to tie the knot. Listen... marriage is work, sacrificing, and beautiful all at the same time. However, marriage is work, sacrifices, and selfishness if you choose to let it be that. I don't advise that you or your spouse become selfish... but I have seen my fair share. But I want to share with you my story and a side of me that everybody does not get to see if you are not being coached by me.
From 2002 to 2013, I was married, separated, single, cheated on and cheated with, and abused (physically, mentally, emotionally, financially, and spiritually). That last one is another story all by itself. I faced a lot of setbacks and setups. Child, I was all over the place! Now, from 2013 to current... I am a widow, I am single, I am a mother, but most importantly, I a whole and healed woman. I could not have gotten here or been able to coach those who come to my services without my hiccups and experiences. If I did not get married, in May of 2002, those I coach wouldn't get the freedom I lead from, nor my holistic and authentic approach wouldn't exist.
What I am trying to convey is this journey, and the places that I had gone to were very necessary. They weren't comfortable or enjoyable. But I do believe God allowed the detours to exist, so I would one day help others choose to detour the current place they are heading to or learn there is still hope even in the choices that were made. There are so many stories and perspectives I could share. I have been around so many versions of marriages, as well as watched and learned from these marriages. I am constantly reading books, watching videos, and learning and creating life hacks that keep me current with the times to help those who sign up for my services. However, the biggest flex of what you all will see and will hear comes from my marriage and life experiences.
As I shared earlier, my marriage was hurtful. And there are a lot of places in which I regret. I think that's the truth as to why this is such a sensitive topic. I have more regrets than happy moments. What I thought marriage was was nothing I had. We were married on paper... but our hearts were far from God! We thought we had a biblical foundation, but what we truly had was a whole lot of worldly understanding. In that scripture that Paul says a "marriage bed is undefiled" (Hebrew 13:4). Child, my marriage bed was defiled. And I didn't understand how it got there. Like, I know everything in life doesn't have a rule book, but your marriage can (if God is the head of it). But, for my marriage, he was not!
So, here I am, married at 22, truly wet behind the ears. Naiveness is an understatement. Between love and basketball, love and hip hop, and every toxic movie or show watched... my marriage was set up to fail on May 19th, 2002. Now, my late husband wasn't a bad dude... please don't take this post as me bashing him... but I am living in my truth, and baby, we were on a serious roller-coaster to nowhere. (Maybe a book will come from this, and I can share more). For now, enjoy this small view... 😆.
To start, I married out of an angry spirit. I was angry because of life circumstances, and I wanted to run from it. I was a virgin (figuratively and literally, and I thought I was smart enough to play the flirt game. Welp! I indeed did not achieve the award...🤦🏿♀️. I married out of a rejection spirit, so people pleasing and validation was my need daily. I married out of an identity crisis issue, so I didn't know who I was in the natural or spiritual. I married out of an abandoned spirit... You can skip these identities at any time you identify what spirit you are currently operating in your marriage or shacking up, or dating)(I'll wait...🤣🤣🤣). But as for me, I was in a completely delusional and deceptive spirit about me! So, I clothed myself with everything that I thought was big and bad to do! (Well, that's it. Book done! 🤣🤣🤣. The rest is just details, and you all are nosey 🤣🤣).
But since I didn't know who I was, satan made sure he sent me everything I wasn't. (Remember, Imma talk about spiritual things) (y'all play if y'all want and pretend you don't have an adversary) (hmph!) So, the ride to hell was real. I am not gonna sit here and pretend I didn't have my hands in the air waving and screaming as if it wasn't fun... but I learned later rather than sooner... this wasn't the plan or identity that God designed for me.
So, here we are, 21 years later, and I am now in a better headspace, and I wanted to share and write what today means to me. I also wanted to share how I struggled to grieve him when he passed in 2013. Because we were not in a together situationally. (We had separated in 2006, so we kind of were doing our own thing). Like, he had his relationship, and I had my relationship. (Yeah, I repented!) (And I am thanking God for mercy and grace daily🙌🏿). Just know, he and I were all over the place, and not knowing the enemy was the contributing factor. Like, we didn't recognize that he was preying on our downfall. This is why I currently take my relationship with God, Jesus Christ, and the Holy Spirit even more personally than before. We were doing things thinking it was pleasing God, but it was pleasing satan. And he was enjoying the fruit of our worship to him. He enjoyed the fruit of our perversions, the fruit of our dysfunction, and the fruit of our identity crisis.
Let me say it this way if you don't have an understanding or knowledge of what a healthy, wholesome, and undefiled marriage is... you would believe or think what you and your spouse are doing is normal. You probably are justifying it now. Listen, don't let me mislead you into thinking I am saying everyone's relationship is headed downward. I am just sharing what my late husband and I were doing. And we were doing the most! We were toxic to each other because of the unhealed trauma that we each had.
Satan will use whatever he can because he does not honor anything of God! He does not care about anything God created. And because we had so many sinful things operating, our marriage didn't honor God. Let's not quote, "God loves the sinner but hates the sin.". No God hates sinners and hates sin (hard word, but swallow when ready) (here's the evidence, "For You are not a God who takes pleasure in wickedness; No evil [person] dwells with You. The boastful and the arrogant will not stand in Your sight; You hate all who do evil"Psalms 5:4-5 AMP).
Although I was legally married and stood before God and man, and my last name was changed and hunched like rabbits...let's just say from a holy standpoint and a Godly foundation, your girl was not married! Your girl was just out here tied to a spirit and living life dangerously. I thought I was coming to a full circle moment... but I felt led to say more so others who will read this will understand that marriage is not what the world presents. And to my couples who say they love God, but their marriage is not Godly. Please take this blog as a sign and get help immediately! Let this be your warning to at least evaluate where your marriage or premarital status is currently.
This is what I desire to leave to all who will read this. When I am coaching premarital and married couple, my 1st question to identify and explore is what is your marriage based on? Is it based on Godly principles or worldly ones? What's your marital foundation anchored to? This blog may seem like a lot, but I promise you this one will be for the books, and healing will come from this. At the end of the day, I want to give substance to what a marriage is supposed to be. If you're going to be married in a Godly way, you have to be a Godly man and woman. You have to study the Bible and its principles. You must study the commandments and activate the cheat codes. You must apply and allow the Holy Spirit to be the guide, the cord, and the 3rd person in the relationship. As you study the living word, you will be tearing down and cleaning out everything that's not like God. Watch God build you and your spouse up so that you both individually can be the better version of what a Godly husband and a Godly wife are to be.
So, May 18th, 2023, 21 years later...Sonia, what have you learned? Because that's the question that I know you want to ask. (Sign up for my coaching...🤣😏). I'll tell you this much, no matter if you're currently married, have gone through a divorce, maybe a widow, or desire to be married. This blog is here to teach, uproot, uplift, plant, and water, and guide those to be successful and have a chance at the marriage God intended. I don't coach from a place of, "Ohh, I have all the answers." No! I have the basics and some cheat codes for what will make a successful marriage and how to overcome some of those bumps in the road.
So this blog is just as much a healing place and a private side that is being shared as to why I can coach married and those wanting to be married folks. But don't just take my word for it... (read my testimonials)(really shameful plugs) 🤣🤣🤣. God has equipped me to fix what wasn't fixed before (that's the first line to a poem I wrote, yeah, your girl is talented). At the end of the day, whether you are with me or someone else is coaching or counseling, get wisdom and understanding of the matter. (Here's the address: "The beginning of wisdom is: Get [skillful and godly] wisdom [it is preeminent]! And with all your acquiring, get understanding [actively seek spiritual discernment, mature comprehension, and logical interpretation"]. Proverbs 4:7 AMP).
God wants us whole and functioning in him. I'm accepting and embracing the next door God has for me. But until then, imma keep healing! Until next time, thank you for reading "Why I Life Coach".😘
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