March 4, 2023
Intro: I kinda like this voice texting. And my phone just showed me another way to do my voice texting and it doesn't stop unless I stop holding the button! Like, the game just changed for me.
Now keep in mind I'm gonna have to go edit and remove the extra fluff because voice texting is amazing but I may just be talking and rambling.
Well welcome to this week story/blog called friendships, and how I have been struggling with the concept of being a good friend. I've been struggling with how to be a good friend to those that are great friends to me. We missed the point that it is called relationships. We've missed a point that it ends with "ships". If we picture ships; ships carry, travel, and are huge by far! We know there are many types of relationships. Romantic, platonic, job ship. Okay I'm making things up (Lol)! But there's a connection in the ships we have. I'm gonna have to go research other words that end in ships so I could make it plain and relatable. But, I never thought I was a bad friend. However, I'm realizing that I may not always be a good friend. I have some good and bad qualities of a friend. I can care like a friend but I don't know how to receive as a friend. And I struggle giving back as a friend in what is given to me. So in this example that happened yesterday? I had previously took the weekend off from work because I was supposed to go out of town, but the plans changed. I didn't tell my bestie that part. Now, I don't tell a lot of people my plans and I at this time didn't see anything wrong with this thought. However, those that are connected with me be like "why you didn't tell me or let me know"? Now to be specific, this was said by who I call my bestie. And she was like "why didn't you tell me you weren't going out of town"? I could have taking Friday off and we could have had some bestie time". "Now friend, I would've took off too". Now in my mind, (mistake 1, keep reading), I'm thinking about how my bestie have to go to work. I'm thinking about what I was going to do with my day off cause mind you the work week was crazy! I'm telling her all this now since I was exposed. I'm giving excuses at this point. Me telling her "I'm just taking the day off to rest". "I'm not doing anything". And now I'm going to get back to my mistake because I hear why I do what I do. But I wanted to share the scenario that has caused this idea for today's blog.
Here's my dilemma, I'm thinking about what they are doing and what they should be doing isn't what she was saying at all. I'm deflecting because my friendship character needs help. It didn't matter what my intentions were... it was the fact that I did not convey my thoughts/plans to the people that matter to me, to the people that love me, to the people that value me, to the friends that want to spend time with me. What I've unpacked is if they value me in that way, why am I struggling to feel safe and return the same level of value?
I can tell you now what I'll do differently. I'll tell my plans with the friend groups I'm valuing. I can just share "hey! update, the plan I had has changed, I am chilling Friday". Or, "remember the plans I had for the weekend, well they changed and I will be home". They will most likely say "what are you planning to do?" Now, I can share my thoughts, needs, and actions. Like, it's not a play by play event, but this is what healthy communication looks like. I can now say, "I'm really just going to rest at home, because I need a mental break". "I'm not planning to go out or hang out all day if I do go out". I'm imagining the next person response could be, "Oh. Ok, if you're up to it would you like to grab breakfast? (Which is what my bestie and I do a lot of times, lol). But I can respond "I don't think I wanna do anything that requires me leaving my house".
Having a healthy communication is something that's foreign and I've noticed that in a lot of friendships and interactions. But this is what is sabotaging our relationships. It's the struggle of how we don't communicate our feelings and needs clearly. And that truth could be from feeling rejected, abandoned, and some other traumatic experience.
Now to be fair, there are those who don't comprehend clearly as well too. But to be honest, that comes from poorly communicating in a healthy manner. I realize, me not telling her wasn't me trying to keep anything from her. It was my intentions that I wanted to relax. (Side note: earlier I tapped on not feeling safe. This isn't from this friend group but past experiences. So, now the healing must continue).
Back to the point, I could have communicated what I needed, what I was feeling, and what I was planning because I am safe. I could have shared that, I could've shared my true intentions especially to the people I value and call bestie, sis and bro. Especially to the ones I say I love and it's reciprocated. (Side gem, if you love them, then you know what hurts them).
My point is, you don't have to tell everybody everything about you. I'm talking about the ones you value and you are doing life with purposely.
I've lived by this statement, don't let your left hand know what your right hand is doing. And I'm realizing that this statement is true (it's biblical) however I'm using it in an unhealthy way. My poor friendship skills came from the circle of people who were jealous and not showing consideration. Or would say the most dumb stuff from their thoughts and feelings. And there was no correcting them. But anywho, I'm learning to be a better friend and I wanted to share this perspective because there are others who can relate or may need to reevaluate their own friendships. I'm learning there are people who really love me and really value me. Like they value me not for what I give, not for what I do, not only for what I live by, but like I'm really cool and they just like me!
I think I'm cool. But I've struggle in the past by thinking I'm suppose to give and do things outside of my character to keep friends. My negative view of friendships was base on me trying to fit in. Also, seeing and hearing people's reactions and expectations of what they wanted from me had me living like a zombie. (I wasn't being authentic) (Next blog, I promise).
Unfortunately, I am not sure when we began to measure life and even relationships like that. But baby, that's unhealthy! Actions don't equal to how good of a person you are. And I think we tied this concept to our spiritual interactions with God. (See how I tied that in, lol). We feel like if I do this, then God will do that. If I pay tithes, then God will do this. If I do good than good will always come. Are we are out here really measuring our acts? But I'm staying light, back to the main topic,(Lol). But for real, the concept of paying tithes basing it off "if God sees me doing this then God is going to do this". Yeah, that's not healthy nor the principle of tithes. Again, going back to the topic at hand.
We may be choosing friends from the tangible ways and we struggle with the intangible actions. We may be having a hard time realizing that God is blessing us just because he loves us. Because he enjoys our friendship. Because God enjoys our aroma. Just us waking up to say thank you God is equivalent to telling your friend "hey update and I wanted to include you". I'll close with this, any type of friendships or relationships you have, identify what you are comparing your relationships to or from? As for me, I still have healing to do. I have had some unhealthy relationships habits birthed out of survival mode. So I'm going to leave you with this, if you were to look at yourself and take an assessment of yourself, how would you score on the friendship level? Or, talk to your friends that you know that you are close with and ask them, "Am I a good friend to you"? Take an assessment and see how you would score.
For the believers, God is always directing us. How you think I got to this topic today? But I will research biblically what a friend is. I know there is a biblical blueprint. My very foundation of Present Choice is James 1:4. I believe wholeheartedly God wants us whole, complete, and not lacking in any areas. And if I find this to be true, then I really do need to heal and be healed in areas that I may be operating unhealthy in.
Friendships challenges you and builds you as well. They are not designed to tear you down or make you feel less than. If you are currently in a relationship that doesn't measure up healthy. Here is free coaching advice. Step back, gather intel, identify, and move correctly as discovered.
Truly, thank you for taking the time to read and learn why I Life Coach! Thank you, and have a good day. Signing off!
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